Over the past four to five years I have been working on things in my life with my psychologist.
I’ve been working on issues within myself to learn how to deal with such deep rooted hurts that have left me not feeling like I can be okay with who I am. Those feelings developed a long time ago. And they were about several different time periods in my life.
Over the past five years as we have worked weekly together, sometimes on very tough issues this has allowed me to finally resolve things for myself that I have left unsettled within myself for far too long. And this helped me more than words can ever say.
We also have been working on learning about my borderline personality disorder, and how I understand it better. He had me read many books and go through several workbooks together with him over the years and as my knowledge of BPD grew and the more I knew of the disorder and why I behaved the way I did/do it has really helped me tremendously. Don’t get me wrong, it is still very hard dealing with BPD, and it is so hard knowing that my actions, my over reactions, have caused a lot of pain, hurt and anger in many people that I love and care deeply for. And that I can’t change any of that. All I can do/did was to apologize for my awful behavior, pray and move forward and try not to dwell on it too much. Because then I will beat myself up too much for something that is in the past that I cannot change.
I am starting to learn now, through God’s grace to be okay with who I am. To not be ashamed of myself, of what I did in the past, because I know that it’s in the past and I made bad choices and I cannot change the past. It us hard at times still for me to “see this,” but it’s still a work in progress.
God is good. He is working on me, and I believe that He has my back and I trust He will guide me through this process.