“Everyday may not be good, but there is something good in every day.”
“It’s better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead.” ~William Markiewicz
No matter how much I have learned about my Borderline Personality Disorder, and no matter how far I have come over the past five years since I was diagnosed it’s those everyday ‘stressors’ that seem to come out of the blue and bite me in the butt.
When I think that my day is going really well, all of a sudden … something happens like… anger inside of me just wells up like the other day because my husband accidently dropped my skirt on the bathroom floor. I knew that I had put powder on in that exact spot just the other day and there were tiny amounts left of the powder on the floor, and now my black skirt was laying there now. I was so angry…mainly because he wouldn’t just give it to me, and let me clean it off. He kept turning it around and brushing it off, and I kept asking him for it, and he kept brushing it off…all the while my anger was just building up more and more. I know it sounds really, really dumb…and I DO know this, trust me I do. I wish I could turn off my anger, but it’s not that easy for me.
It’s not easy dealing with other everyday ‘stressors’ of life that come up on a day to day basis. They do come up, maybe not every single day. But lately since we are just about to move from our military base home; where we have lived for the past eleven years to a home into the community here. Since my husband’s recent retirement from The Air Force, finding a job, finding a new home, packing up our home and scheduling a rental truck has put us all under a bit of stress over the past couple of months.
So, the everyday ‘stressors’ for me lately have just been compounded. But pretty soon things will be back to normal…as normal as can get. As I’m still trying to get use to life in the civilian life after military life for the past 20 years. My husband served for 24 years in the Air Force.
I know that we ALL have those everyday ‘stressors’ in life. And it’s all how we handle them. I have to say that lately I haven’t been handling them all that well. I do believe the added stress of moving has really gotten to me.
But I look back at how I use to handle them, and I smile. I use to blow up “in my head” as I stood in line, as I had a LOT less patience several years ago than I have now, and I can distinctly remember a time I was at the Wal-Mart here in our town and I was sooooo angry at how slow the cashier was being that I wanted to physically punch her in the face by the time I got to her line and my hands were literally shaking when it was finally my turn. It took so much energy for me to not say something to her. My fists were clenched until I had to swipe my debit card, and then I remember shoving it so hard back into my purse that I almost dropped my purse. I had never wanted to hit a stranger before that day. I was in a hurry that day, and I just wanted to run in and grab something…I can’t even remember what it was that I was going to get. I just remember I was running in quick to grab one thing. (This was like four years ago) And I remember all the lines were long and hers was the shortest and she was still taking forever, and I had a doctor’s appointment to get to.
By “blowing up” in my head, I mean I would have these conversations about ‘what the heck is taking so long?” “Why is she talking to the other cashier when she should be focusing on the customer?” “What the heck IS she doing.” “What the heck?” Stuff like that. I don’t do that very often anymore…maybe once in a blue moon.
Well, it’s time for me to get back to packing…and try not to let those everyday ‘stressors’ get to me today.
“Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.”
“Start everyday with new hope, leave bad memories behind and have faith for a better tomorrow.”