Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.~ Bruce Lee
No matter how far I have come in learning about my disorder (BPD) or how well I am doing, there will always be those times I seem to struggle. Struggle to cope.. struggle to understand how my mind makes me think the ridiculous stuff that it does. Then those thoughts often direct me to make the most gosh awful choices at the drop of a hat..which in turn hurt relationships…and deeply wound my soul and leave me feeling so totally helpless and like the biggest failure on earth.
I am there right now. Struggling and depressed.
I am not a woman with close friends. I don’t chit chat with girlfriends over coffee. I don’t have friends. I am a wall builder. A wall builder? I push people away. When I meet someone new, or even get to know someone…there is only so much I let that person in. I don’t give anyone a chance to know me. Plus I am an annoying person…and I do have that whole..BPD..”I-have-no-patience-I-have-anger-issues-don’t-mess-with-me’ thing going on, so why would anyone really want to be friends with me anyhow right? 😉 And I have finally come to accept this…I am an annoyingly talkative person. (sigh) I talk too much, and I share too much personal stuff about myself. (sigh) So, people do tend to back off from me.
Why do I build walls? Well, when I get stressed .. I push people away..like everyone around me. My family as well. I isolate myself..I stop doing the things I use to do. I build walls around me to keep people out. It’s what I do. I feel more comfortable in my own little space…without the distractions and the stresses of people who I don’t think understand me and who don’t want to understand..or those who think that I still live my life like “it’s all about me.”
I can tell you one thing for sure. Though I may be struggling right now..over the past year I have made wonderful accomplishments in my mental health treatment. I have learned a lot about my disorder and how better to deal with many situations…and how to move forward and let go of certain things from my past and not hold on to them making it harder to make changes. I have learned how to deal with my anger a lot better, and I am learnING how to communicate my feelings, my thoughts a lot better now.
Learning to adapt with Borderline Personality Disorder is not easy, especially when you are also struggling with depression… but God is good, I will get through this just fine. It may be tough now, but I know it won’t last last.
Adaptability is about the powerful difference between adapting to cope and adapting to win. ~ Max Mckeown