I am overcome in emotions this morning. I am going through some very difficult things in my life right now in addition to dealing with my depression and borderline personality disorder on a daily basis. So, please forgive me if this seems to ramble today.
My youngest daughter is a few months from graduating high school, my oldest daughter is a few weeks out from moving to Germany with her husband for three years, my middle child…my son is away at college in Memphis and I hardly ever hear from him. Sigh…I will soon be an empty nester. What will it be like when it’s just my husband and I all the time? It will be very quiet in the house without the laughter of my children filling up these walls, and my heart. I don’t know how to do life everyday without my children in it. I guess one day I will have to figure it out. (insert sad face)
My husband and I have been having marriage problems for the past 8 years. As I had to take all the blame for. We recently started seeing a marriage counselor. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize just how hard. The first visit was agonizingly long, as I sat there pouring out my heart about how things had been, what had been happening in our marriage, and the bad choices I had made over the years. The tears just kept coming as I talked, and I didn’t think they would ever stop. I just wanted to fix our marriage in that one session right there and then, but I knew that even God wouldn’t do that for even me. Our problems hadn’t started overnight, and He wouldn’t fix them in an hour. It was going to require work..from both of us. I was sure willing to do that, and I know my husband wanted to work at it as well.
This morning my thoughts were all over the place. From the issues with my marriage, to my soon empty nest, to not having any friends (my own fault – I’ll get into that at another time) and wanting to just move from this town we have lived in for 12 years. I have just been super sad and depressed the past few days. I cannot put my finger on an exact reason, but I just know I am sad. Usually I can figure it out. So I find journaling to help relieve some of my sadness. I usually write down my feelings in an actual journal, but a lot of times I find this way is faster.
I really want to leave this town we are living in. We have lived here 12 years. I am ready for a fresh start somewhere else. I really believe people can judge someone by their bad choices. I sure wish that we could all see sin the way God does, in the fact that there is no sin any different from another. Sin is sin. There is no one sin any bigger than another, or worse than another. Murder isn’t worse than gossip. It may sound worse than the other, but in God’s eyes, it’s the same thing. We the church, should be the most forgiving of all, but in reality we can be the most condemning a lot of the times to the people within our own church. I know I sure have felt it from people right in my own church and community. Which is why I want to move from this area. I know that it’s everywhere you go, but a fresh start would be nice.
But, I have hope. In God. I have drawn closer to Him over the past few years. In the hard times, I try to draw closer to God. I did a 30 day Bible study on emotions. It was very good. I learned a lot. I will close with the part below I saved from one of the last days. It gives me tremendous hope, as I pray it will give you hope if you may be struggling with any type of issue today.
God has not stopped being God because you are in the valley. He has not stopped being a God of goodness and kindness because you are either disappointed or have a broken heart.
We would all love to spend our lives on the top of a mountain. We would all love to vigorously breathe in that fresh mountain air and take in that magnificent view. You can see things on the mountaintop that you would never see from the valley. Things take their rightful perspective from the mountaintop. You are literally on top of the world. It’s a place fit for a queen the queen of the mountain!
None of us wants to buy real estate in the valley of despair and disappointment. There is an extremely limited vision in the lower places and you are not able to see beyond the next grove of trees.
And yet it is in the valley where vegetation grows and where flowers bloom. There is no growth on top of a mountain but you will only find rocks and boulders there. The top of a mountain is no place to put down roots – that happens in the valley below. It is in the valley where the most magnificent growth of your life will happen and it is there that the fruit of the Spirit will grow in lush abundance. May I say it this way: in the valley where your heart was broken will be the place of your greatest harvest.
God wants our cups to run over not only when life is good and the view is spectacular; He wants our cups to run over in the valley of pain and in the desert of brokenness God sets before you a table of blessing that will heal your broken heart and feed your hungry soul.
God wants you to be a man or a woman who knows that disappointment does not have the power to disappoint her. God wants you to be a person who snuggles into His presence during times of brokenness and despair. God wants you to be a Christian who never blames but always blesses. God wants you to be a believer who bears fruit at the worst moments of life.