Change can be hard

Don’t blame people for disappointing you. Blame yourself for expecting too much.

There has been a lot of things that have changed in my life over the past several years. My children have grown up, two of the three have graduated from high school, and started college. One even moved away to go to college. My oldest daughter got married two years ago, and almost a year ago moved to Germany. Three years ago my husband retired from a 24 year career in the United States Air Force.

A bit of background on me. I have been home raising children, being a mom, being a wife, a chauffeur, a maid, somewhat of a cook,(I don’t cook well, I’m more of a ‘prepar-er) a dog walker, my husband’s helpmate, the laundry person, and I was a Homeschool teacher for 13 years out of our 22 years of marriage. I have not had a job outside of the home since the the first year we were married; 21 years ago.

I see myself mainly as a mom… as Kyle, Lindsey and Holly’s mom. The older they get, the more independent they have gotten… the more my role has seemed to changed without me even realizing it.

‘Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your conciousness.’ ~Caroline Myss

Holly left home for college in 2007, and has been off on her own since then. She is a very grown up and independent young lady, whom I know loves her mother very much; and wants a relationship with me… but doesn’t actually need me to take care of her anymore. She is after all..almost 29 years old. I know she will always need her mother, but she truly hasn’t needed me physically in a long time.

With my other two children, Kyle who will be 21 next month and Lindsey, who is now 19; they also don’t need their mother anymore. Kyle is away at college in Tennessee most of the year and is very self reliant and Lindsey is a full time student here in town and works part time.

When Lindsey isn’t working or at class, she spends most of her waking hours with her boyfriend. At first I thought she didn’t still need me anymore either, but I realize that’s not true quite yet. It’s those times when she doesn’t want to get up on time for her classes, or when she texts me and asks me to put her laundry in the dryer, or when she calls to tell me about her classes, or to ask me to please make her a doctor’s appointment.

‘All great changes are preceded by chaos.’ ~ Deepak Chopra

So, my role is changing… and I’m still figuring it all out. I don’t like change. It’s always been hard for me to ‘roll with the flow,’ but I usually do.

Right now, I see my role changing from mom to helpmate. I am pretty sure that is an area that I have let fall by the side for awhile now. And to be truthful..it’s pretty scary for several reasons. Being a mom is pretty much all I’ve ever known. I was a single mom of a 4 1/2 year old when I met my husband 23 years ago. I’ve always been ‘Holly’s mom,’ or ‘Lindsey’s mom,’ or ‘Kyle’s mom.’ Not many people refer to me as ‘Tommy’s wife.’

I’m scared of the changes that have already started…with my children. They went from calling me ‘Mommy,’ to ‘Mom,’; my kids stopped holding my hand and giving me a kiss goodnight; started making their own breakfast in the mornings; started putting themselves to bed at night; when they teenagers and they first got their drivers license they were required to text to let us know they arrived and were on the way home…it was about a month long; they started doing their own laundry; they got a first boyfriend/girlfriend; they had their first heartbreak…and so did this momma; they got their first job; they graduated from high school; my oldest daughter got married; my son moved to Tennessee – a 10 1/2 hour car ride away to attend music college and my oldest daughter moved with her husband to Germany.

Another thing that scares me is my husband and I have been having marriage issues for quite some time. It’s a very difficult subject for me to discuss, as it brings a lot of shame, regret, deep hurt, anger and sadness. There are things that I would like to see change in my marriage, and prayerfully in time hopefully one day they will. What is going to happen when my youngest daughter leaves the house in another year? Will our marriage be strong enough to sustain the change? The change of it being just the two of us?  I do want it to…I am just scared. Scared of the unknown.

‘Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”