Do you know those long family car trips you have made with little ones, where you will often here children ask, ‘are we almost there yet?’ Or before an exciting vacation the same children will keep on asking, “Is it time to leave yet?’ I feel like I have been that child for the past several years in regards to moving from our current city to another state.
My family and I moved to our city almost fourteen years ago when my husband transferred here with the military. We were excited to be moving back to my home state and close to my family. It was an exciting time. Fast forward five years when things in my marriage were a bit rough and bumpy. I was homeschooling two of our three children and my husband was working a second job. It was a difficult time in our home. Then fast forward another five more years and my husband was retiring from the military, we had to move off base, find a home to rent, my husband had to find a job asap, our marriage was still quite rough and bumpy and we were all dealing with new life changes… living in the civilian life. What an extremely stressful time. I still remember the day we moved out of our beautiful, brand new base home and into our home now. It took many, trips with the U-Haul and we didn’t get it all unloaded until 4am and my husband had to be at work at 8am and the kids were supposed to be at school at 7:30 but we let them stay home.
My husband and I decided to stay in this city until our youngest two children graduated high school and then we had planned to move from here. But, things don’t always go as planned.
For the past four years I feel like the kid nagging the parents; or in this case… I’m asking God…’Is it time yet God, when are we finally going to move from here? (I am very animated when I talk. I use my hands…so insert hand motions here.) I am so tired of this town. Come on God, I am really ready to leave. Isn’t it time yet.’ I have had countless talks with God about this topic and have been so frustrated, all the while throwing my hands up in the air while ‘discussing this’ with God, and of course getting nowhere.
About six weeks ago I started praying about all of this, and I felt something in me change. I started telling God to show me what He wanted me to see in all of this and to please let me hear what I needed to hear.
On a side note, I have dealt with shame my whole adult and teenage life. It’s part of my journey in life, and the things I have gone through, and I accept that. I have dealt with a lot of things in my life and shame is just something I am still dealing with.
I will say that I feel a tremendous amount of shame from some things in my past, and this is the main reason I have wanted to leave the city we live in. I get the impression that a good amount of people that live in our community know of some of my bad choices/sins and it makes me feel small, worthless, used and like a piece of garbage.
Because of the very nature of my bad choices, knowing that some of the people of my community know of my past sins of several years ago makes me remember all the names I was called in middle and high school by immature kids. Mean, awful, and hateful names. It just brings back such painful memories that I wish I could forget.
Because of the shame I felt about some bad choices I had made, I had been so ready to leave this city, but something started changing as I started praying about it 6 weeks ago. The more I prayed about it and talking to God about it, without my agenda in mind, the more my heart began to change. One day during my quiet time, while reading my Bible I felt as though God was telling me that my time here in our city was not done yet…that He still had plans for me here. So, I sighed and I said, (out loud) to God, ‘okay God, I hear you, I hear you.’
It’s awesome how God works, because my husband said he felt as though we should stay too. He has applied for a teaching job here and we are going to look for a house to buy soon.
I have to be honest and say I’m not 100% thrilled about the idea yet, but I’m not going to fight with God about it anymore. I believe this is where He wants us right now.